| You can't have the Earth and the Sun on the same plate |
[entries|friends|calendar] |
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| Goodbye |
[15 Dec 2004|10:32am] |
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A few days late,
this is the longest goodbye you've ever had.
I've been packing bags for months
the longest goodbye I ever gave.
you gave me tears in the rain
you let me beat the drum in your head
I've been tearing at you on the floor
danced so hard your clothes shred in my hands.
I'm slipping through each door
I'm whisking between the cracks
and you can't catch up--
I've chained your eyes together.
The spotlight's on me, now
You're the dark in the back
and that girl with the smile behind her face
You'd better rip it out.
Girl--you're nothing to me now
Girl--you're not even a taste
Girl--rip off that smile behind your face
It doesn't suit you.
I once sang a song to you, girl
A song about a rock with green eyes
And you beat me to the shore
You wanted me to drown.
But this song isn't about you
I'm just throwing rocks off the cliff.
And now you
I found you on the floor apart from the others
Nothing personal
But I can't beat the angels if I'm fighting civil battles.
This is short because I have so much to say
Don't let your skin get bruised.
Don't let anyone sing you a different tune.
Your hands will guide you through the caves
One day you'll get through and join me in the dance hall.
And to the rest--
the backup singers--
just rest.
les jours d'avant
les jours en avant
je peux voir plus avant
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[14 Dec 2004|01:17pm] |
Working on paper till 3-ish. Hard to get to sleep. Woke up at 8. Fell asleep again. Woke up at 9:30. 30 minutes late to class. Read Smokey the Bear Sutra. Not kidding.
Snowing hard now. Still can't put my tie on. Fill iffy.
Talked to dean. Going to take an medical incomplete in English. 3 essays to finish by Friday.
Card from grandparents. Got money. Means I can get more gifts, now.
Room messy. Potato for lunch. Mondialito for ears. Snowflake for nose.
Wine.
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| Last Sleep of A Girl |
[13 Dec 2004|10:10pm] |
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http://uk.download.yahoo.com/ne/fu/oa/eurcncs185030.mpg
Rar! Robots!
I think we should all learn that dance and do it at the Sco.
OMFG It's me!!! (webcomic)
The snow was absolutely gorgeous. It's been snowing hard all day and equally difficult to pay attention. Mallary and Sophie and I had a mini-snowfight and made faces in the snow on our way to Stevie.
It's been kind of a stressful day. I pulled an all nighter with only the help of one Jones Soda drink, which is kind of awesome. I revised three poems, finished a (horrible) play and wrote an entirely new story, and I also finished my final french homework of the year (huzzah!). I am so, so done with that retarded class and Mr. Arrogant, Mr. I'm going to insult you for shopping at Goodwill. Fuck face vagina!
I am henceforth known in my Baldwin group as "Thunder Vag"
I also am become to slowly realize how insulting I am and why the real world will be such a struggle to avoid getting lynched in.
I was sitting in Creative Writing class. Someone had created this adorable story called "The Christmas Machine", an atypical vignette about invention and Christmas cheer. Well, there wasn't a name to it, so someone pointed to Ezra and said, "Isn't this your story?"
Ezra immediately waved his hands off and said, "No! I'm Jewish!"
So, brilliant me decides to perk up and say, "Then you should write a story called The Jew Machine!"
Thank fucking GOD that I was halfway through the word 'Jew' before I realized that was an idiotic thing to say. I was also saved by the fact that everyone was laughing at Ezra's previous comment and didn't hear me.
I am never going to survive out of Oberlin.
I also realized something during my French oral session. While there may be other people in my class who probably have much more time to study and commit themselves more deeply than I have, I am tenfold more creative than they are. I mean, jeez, to describe Porky Pig while playing taboo I said, "Il y a une pomme dans sa bouche!" (There is an apple inside his mouth... I had previously mentioned he is not only a cartoon character but also a delicious meal) Earlier to describe the verb "naitre" (to be born) I said, "Les enfants tombent de la mère." (The children fall from the mother) while making gesticulations over my uterus. That's something to be proud about! ^_^
Sorry. I'm having my one moment of arrogance. I'm just happy that I'm not at least completely failing myself. I think the final on Sunday will go well if I believe it will. And next semester, bonjour De Jesus, au revior Thommeret!
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| when people run in circles it's a very very |
[13 Dec 2004|05:32am] |
You know what I miss?
Thai food.
Spicy, delicious thai food.
Spicy fried rice, specked with hot peppers and eggs and chicken.
The warm tomato slipping between my lips.
The garlic rising with the steam.
My nostrils dancing.
My stomach is irrevocably a mad, mad world.
5:34 am
--
edit:
The Cat Came Back
This adorable little animation brings back such great memories. I wish it didn't cost $20 for just a freaking 8 minute clip. I would give anything to see it just one more time! (except $20, of course)
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[13 Dec 2004|01:47am] |
I must say:
even though I adore some of the authors in my class
and even though I adore a good number of the writings...
their comments are absolutely MORONIC.
In other news, I can't find where I typed up "From Rags to Mercy" and I think I fucking lost it. As in, typed it on a computer and forgot to e-mail it to myself. Just great.
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| anacraphoria fitter happier more productive karma karma police this is what you get |
[13 Dec 2004|01:07am] |
A few anomalies aside, this weekend has turned out to be pretty good. I got some awesome presents from my friends, but more importantly I realized that I have a group of really good people out here supporting me. I've also gotten some awesome e-mails/phone messages from my friends beyond. Despite some events, I haven't been miserable, and I'm actually excited when I get up in the morning.
Dinner was lovely.
Sophie and I went to the French end-of-the-semester reception. It was actually pretty nice. It was snowing out, and we were inside nice and warm, drinking mulled wine (possibly the best drink in the WORLD) while watching some extremely talented musicians rock hard. There was a jazz band, and this amazing girl on the sax, and then my french oral tutor Reggie and two others duked it out on violas. Makes me wish I were musically inclined--I think if I put aside some time next year, I might just start that path.
Good God, A Lesson Is Learned, when will you update?!
Even though the Oberlin in London program has been raped up the ass by Nancy Dye and her evil sidekick administration's gargantuan ribbed cock and left on the street to die, my grandfather today hinted strongly that he still would like to see me in Europe. Which means financial support. Which means, HELL FUCKING YES, maybe they love me enough again. My family life is so fucked up that I am forced to assume that. It's not enough that they didn't call me on my birthday, they both knew about it and spent the day instead arguing over whether I was 20 or 21. Anyway, about Europe--I'm going to do some research and see what I can find. I would like nothing more than to leave this country. I feel so suffocated--by everything. My inability to perform music. My inability to speak another language. My inability to go beyond 2 miles on most normal Oberlin days. My inability to write as well as I hope to.
I feel as though that this weekend has given me my last spurt of immaturity. Right now, now that I'm a meanderer unstilted by certain rules, I'm really going to stop saying what I WISH I could do, what I WANT to do, how I'm so pathetic because I don't know how to do something, and actually start doing. And who knows, maybe I'll end up staying in another country and meet my french/italian/german/russian/unamerican dream.
Which means, hello gym, we're going to become friends again.
I'm also thinking about joining the citar exco next year. I mean, fuck yeah--Jamie on citar? I can wear baggy pants and spread wisdom through my strings. There's a double entendre for you ;)
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| A True Story |
[10 Dec 2004|01:12pm] |
Free Hugs
He is tall, thin, white. The sideburns aren't real, and she wonders why he has them at all. His hair is slicked back, his grey sweater vest matches the sky and he wears a brown overcoat. He looks like an 1850s london man and he is standing next to a sign, propped on the ground, with words written in clear, black ink:
Free Hugs
There is a girl standing in front of him, confused. She is wary. From far away their conversation cannot be heard, but you see him pull out his ID and show her that he is, in fact, a student at their college, and not a creepy old man who wants to touch people.
Another girl approaches, dressed in a long black overcoat, and immediately asks what must have been demanded of him uncountable times that day: "Why?"
He shrugs. It was something he'd thought of a few days past. He didn't know why, he just wanted to do it.
"How many?"
The questions do little for either of them, but she wants to know. His answer could have been anything and it wouldn't have affected her. A few drops of rain pattered threateningly; the sign held fast in the wetness.
Free Hugs
He had hugged 39 people in the past 2 hours. The first girl had been done interrogating him, and hung around, perhaps still deciding. But the other immediately drew up to him, embraced him with one arm, and made it 40. His hug was tight and strong. Her day had pushed her so low that she felt like a child in a blanket. They parted.
She walked away and glanced at him with a smile. Then she burst into tears.
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| I see death is near in the embers of your eyes |
[09 Dec 2004|03:10pm] |
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music |
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"Attila Marcel" - Triplettes of Belleville |
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moi mon homme c'est un vrai
c'est un dur, un balaise
je vois la mort de près
de dans ses yeux de braise
il me fait ce que personne n'ose
il couvre mon corps d'équimoses
il m'assomme, il m'poche les yeux
il m'fait la vie en bleu
moi mon homme il me botte
y'en a pas deux comme lui
c'est pas de la gnognotte
trois cent vingt livres et demies
il me serre si fort dans ses bras
que mon souffle repousse pas
il est barbare, il est cruel
mon attila marcel (mon attila m'arcèle)
j'irais retrouver sa lumière
avec une droite de dieu le père
et je reste sonnée jusqu'à Paques
au paradis des têtes à claques
moi mon homme c'est un vrai
c'est un dur, un balaise
je verrai la mort de près
de dans ses yeux de braise
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| I'm not telling you how it was, my crevette |
[08 Dec 2004|10:32pm] |
Years ago my friends an I browsed the aisles of Blockbuster looking for movies and fooling around. We decided to choose naughty movies for each of us, something kinky and that suited our personalities.
For me, Quills was chosen. It involved writers and lust and forbidden porn. It was perfect. We didn't actually rent the movie, we were a little (::cough::) immature and my friend's parents were home.
Three years later, while browsing through Best Buy, I found this video on sale for 5 dollars. It's almost Christmas, but I was stressed... so I bought it.
I also watched it tonight.
It is the single most hottest, most disgusting thing I have ever watched. It varies between being seductive, vile, or violent, at times all three, and somehow something compelled me to KEEP WATCHING ON. The writer was more lecherous than my French teacher, he's the only one we actually see naked and most of the movie took place in an insane asylum--definitely not hot. But this movie was so damn good, so damn awesome at what it did that it actually pulled off very successfully.
Joaquin Phoenix definitely have a hand in that.
God, what an amazing movie. I'm going to grab my chocolate cake and watch it again.
Speaking of, I got two birthday surprises today. One was a card for Mike's grandmother, which was the sweetest thing EVER. I also recieved--yes--a CHOCOLATE CAKE in the mail from my mom. It's so delicious looking that I'm not sure I'll be able to hold off eating it until Saturday. I might not be able to.
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| casket's dream |
[08 Dec 2004|01:01pm] |
French oral in half an hour.
I don't know whether to laugh or cry. Or both. What's shitty is that immediately after I have to go on to Creative Writing, so I don't have time to mourn OR celebrate.
I've been listening to music from Amelie for the past two days hoping that the french will rub off on me, but CURSE YOU Yann Tiersen for having half of your soungs in English! (even though the way he phrases certain sentences is really adorable)
I went out a-shopping yesterday but the minute I got back to my dorm I wanted to cry.
I'm so desperate/pathetic/worried/sad (choose two or more) that I borrowed Jess' hot red shirt to give me the edge of boobage. Either-- I'll fail miserably, but I'll look hot while doing it, or I'll succeed because everyone's too busy staring to notice how awful my French is. Unfortunately, the shirt didn't look quite right, so I settled on a white turtleneck.
I want to play the piano. I want to relax. I can't even breathe right now.
OMFG twenty five more minutes.
God.
God.
God.
God.
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| fears |
[07 Dec 2004|01:10am] |
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the thought of my french oral has been making me sick all day. it's on wednesday and I can't do it, I can't get in front of my class, I can't make a fool of myself again. food is even turning me off right now. I'm so scared. this isn't even something I can pull off like the bullshit I pulled in my african american studies class last year... I just can't do this. I want to die. Or implant a chip in my brain that would allow me to speak perfect french. or curl up and play tears for fears very loudly and sob myself in the dark like a hungry emo child.
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| nothing's gonna change my mind |
[06 Dec 2004|05:25am] |
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mood |
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oh God I feel insane I'm either on to something here about how I should study or completely out of my mind.
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| blur |
[06 Dec 2004|01:27am] |
I picked up Jess from the airport and was so happy that she was back. I really missed her presence and I'm glad she's here. She really makes life fun.
I'm sleepy and stupid DeCafe didn't have any energy drinks left. I don't really want to take a second caffeine pill, but I might have to. Food first!
The art show went amazingly well. Like, unexpectedly well. I'll give more details later, but let's just say that if not taking photography classes pays off this well, maybe I should just teach myself and not bother.
On the note of art, my mom and I are going to be making a book for winter term. Adriana said she can help out with the art (only if you have the time, hon). It's going to be awesome. I also think I'm going to attach myself to photoshop. It's been driving me crazy, the things I've wanted to do.
Sophie and Mallary and I went to the mall today to do a bit of Christmas shopping. It was a lot of fun and I had a good time hanging out with them. We blared "Gay Bar" as loud as we could and had a dance party in the car. There were strobe lights and everything.
Mike got a new puppy. I told him to name it "Diogee". Say it out loud very slowly, separating the syllables and you'll get the lame joke.
I think for half of this week I'm putting myself in a strict schedule. I'm not going to waste four hours on silly internet things. I'm going to try to avoid people so that I can get work done. And caffiene is going to become my horrible best friend. Don't worry, we'll break up by thursday. That way I can have a blast friday and saturday and not be screwed for finals.
Finals frighten me.
All done!
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2:20 am edit
We say "Closer" the other day. It was a very well put together movie. The dialogue was amazing. I loved the way they played around with the temporal elements. And Jude Law was so fuckin' hot omgwtf.
( There was one tiny problem (small spoiler) )
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| Obnoxious |
[05 Dec 2004|06:22pm] |
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mood |
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Here's the thing. I don't like Safe Houses. I think they're absolutely stupid. I recognize a person's right to his/her privacy, I think that's completely fine. And a temporary safe house, I wouldn't be against that. But a perpetual one? It's practically a sorority/frat. And we all know how awful those are.
The occurence pretty much went like this. There's a building near my dorm called Harvey (Spanish) House. Between Harvey and Kade (German) Haus lies a 24 hour computer lab. And it is currently 35 degrees outside, with the wind chill factor pulling us down to 29.
I'm walking quietly through Harvey House, not making a single fucking sound. I'm being polite. A woman, no doubt the faculty in residence, is arranging a tray of cookies or something like that at the end of the hall. She looks at me oddly--obviously I don't belong there (I guess I'm not hispanic looking enough.) So with this strange smile, she stops me as I walk by with, "Are you a resident in Harvey?"
Odd question. I answer honestly. "No, I'm going to the computer lab."
"Ah, well, this isn't an open hallway. If you want to go to the lab you have to go around the building and enter from the door that leads to Kade."
I'm taken aback. Not only taken aback, but I feel unwelcomed. This woman didn't even know me, I could have just been going up to a friend's room and she feels the need to stop me and tell me that I don't belong there. What the fuck?
I'm sorry, it IS an open hallway. I pay just as much as the rest of the students here to attend this school, and the last I checked it wasn't an institution so privatized that even groups are privatized from each other. I wasn't being rude at all, I was very quiet and respectful of the individuals who live there when I walked through. And while I respect a collective/progam houses' desire for community, I feel the sense that such community comes at the cost of ostrasization.
We all know what word comes after that, folks. It starts with an H.
I sputter and stammer, feeling a bit ashamed (though I shouldn't have) and rejected. I point to the door. "Should I just leave now?" She shakes her head and lets me walk through with the assurance that from now on I'll never walk through Harvey again. I'm frustrated.
I understand why the Third World Co-Op is off limits to people, though I don't agree with that, either. It would be pretty obnoxious to have people walking through a kitchen whenever they feel like, and kitchens have to be clean, a much easier task the fewer that tread on it. But a hallway? I'm not allowed to walk through a HALLWAY?
Even Baldwin, a women's collective, allows men through our hallways. Our second floor space is a safe space, but most of us don't really care and invite men into it after asking for group consent of those present. And we have bathroom accomodations for men as well.
So this shit about me not being able to walk through a hallway really angers me. I'm not going to extend my stay in icy weather just because Harvey has the need to make me feel unwelcome. How does that foster any type of diversity? How does ostrasization encourage any relationships between students? I wasn't skipping through the hallways or crashing any Harvey parties. I wasn't intruding on anyone's personal space. And I certainly wasn't being disrespectful.
I understand the need some feel to have a sense of community strength, I understand that. I'm at Baldwin for that exact reason, although the fact that it is established as women-only has nothing to do with my application--Baldwin is small, intimate, and allows me to be more outgoing this year than I ever have been.
But I don't understand the need for those with that same agenda to exlude others from their lives. How can anyone feel safe by completely and irrationally blocking themselves out from what is irrevocably a part of "everyday life"? How can we enrich ourselves by denying ourselves the very same inclusion that we seek? Is it not enough that you live in a dormitory for that exact purpose? Must you transform your living area into a cult in order to get that "community" experience? Is my walking through your hallway so offensive, such a problem, that you feel oppressed?
Or maybe your search for community has transformed itself into a need to control your uncontrollable, day-to-day experience. You don't tell a storm, "Gee, I'm sorry, I don't really like storms, and we have enough water for the day--could ya just move along and rain on someone else? Thanks, okay." Outside communities are a part of our lives that we can avoid (and apparently expel) but not demolish. You can do something as pitiful as build a wall around your community so that it not tainted by dirty "outside" hands. Or you can let a drawbridge down, just a little one, so that maybe someone curious in seeing what an enriched community is all about could take a peek inside and find comfort in kind strangers. We travelers aren't all bad--don't wash us off your path.
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| they kept me for five days and released me naked and apathetic |
[02 Dec 2004|12:05pm] |
Glug.
It's been a busy week from hell and I've accomplished shit nothing.
I let myself sleep telling myself to wake up or I'll beat me with a rod.. and I end up sleeping anyway. Somehow Jamie-who-just-woke-up-two-seconds-ago is a fiend who always knows how to defeat Conscious-for-the-most-part Jamie.
I put aside other homework so I can focus on what hasn't been turned in, and then neither gets done.
Suddenly taking a semester off sounds more and more desirable every day.
But I can't do that.
I'm going to die.
I think I officially hate writing now.
And the same goes for reading, too.
For some reason French and I are still good lovers, but I've been a bad girlfriend and now French isn't treating me well anymre.
Environmental studies? what?
This semester is grabbing me by the ass, fucking me, and calling me "Dirty hobag."
A Lesson is Learned But the Damage is Irreversible
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| *nosebleed* |
[01 Dec 2004|12:32am] |
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mood |
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caffeine and energy drinks make me really really horny.
I'm going to jump the next thing I see.
fucking caffeine.
OMFG it's december
( Wrath )
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| get [christmas] while you can! |
[28 Nov 2004|07:39pm] |
My vacation was lovely. Ohio is fucking cold and I'm mad that it snowed while I was away. I'll write more about it later, but I'm off to have an orgy with my friends. So now immerse yourselves in Christmas joy.
Stolen from Ashlyn!
Step One
Make a post (public, friendslocked, filtered...whatever you're comfortable with) to your LJ. The post should contain your list of 10 holiday wishes. The wishes can be anything at all, from simple and fandom-related ("I'd love a Snape/Hermione icon that's just for me") to medium ("I wish for _____ on DVD") to really big ("All I want for Christmas is a new car/computer/house/TV.") The important thing is, make sure these wishes are things you really, truly want. If you wish for real life things (not fics or icons), make sure you include some sort of contact info in your post, whether it's your address or just your email address where Santa (or one of his elves) could get in touch with you.
Also, make sure you post some version of these guidelines in your LJ, or link to this post (it'll be public) so that the holiday joy will spread.
Step Two
Surf around your friendslist (or friendsfriends, or just random journals) to see who has posted their list. And now here's the important part: If you see a wish you can grant, and it's in your heart to do so, make someone's wish come true. Sometimes someone's trash is another's treasure, and if you have a leather jacket you don't want or a gift certificate you won't use--or even know where you could get someone's dream purebred Basset Hound for free--do it. You needn't spend money on these wishes unless you want to. The point isn't to put people out, it's to provide everyone a chance to be someone else's holiday elf--to spread the joy. Gifts can be made anonymously or not--it's your call. There are no rules with this project, no guarantees, and no strings attached. Just...wish, and it might come true. Give, and you might receive. And you'll have the joy of knowing you made someone's holiday special.
My List
1. A surprise! Any surprise! Fudge!
2. "America," the awesome book by John Stewart, or any good reading. (I still don't have Restuarant at the end of the universe, or any of those)
3. Hippie stuff. Flower skirts, bracelets, long dangly earrings, bellydancing belt, bellydancing jewelry, etc.
4. Porn stuff. Handcuffs, a vibrator, a glass dildo, Climax Fruit Bomb strawberry fields lube... ;) Use your imagination (no, I'm not kidding) H/D icons, pictures... Harry/Tom of the same... rawr... slash galore...
5. Ecstacy Cigarettes. I have been looking EVERYWHERE. I just want one pack. ;__; One pack of catnip goodness.
6. CDs! Tower Records giftcard would suffice, or any CD by Janis Joplin, Bob Dylan, and Beatles.
7. For love and peace. I'd really like it if some people would cease hating me. Being hated, contrary to popular belief, isn't a good feeling. A letter or card from these individuals would be nice.
8. DVDs-- Eternal Sunshine of A Spotless Mind, 28 Days Later, Purple Rose of Cairo, Dead Poets' Society, Chocolat, Garden State, I [heart] Huckabees, The Cell, The Wolves of Kromer, other weird, trippy movies like those, and hot discs like Queer As Folk, any season
9. A play station 2, DDR pad and DDR discs. One can wish!
10. Yerba Mate yumminess. Yay pot tea! Also, catnip tea, or any tea accentuates--flowers, etc.
One last wish. If you haven't heard about the Target fiasco, click those three links. I'd like it if Target stopped being a jerk and learned to love. Then again, the Salvation Army doesn't exactly know how to love, either. I'm not sure.
Jamiella Ortiz
OCMR 2035, Oberlin College
Oberlin, OH
44074
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chipper